Is my essay any good?

Question

criticism is welcomed...
i havent yet wrote the introduction or conclusion, just the body.
is it any good?


“World War One was a waste of human life it should never have happened and Australia should not have been involved”. Discuss


World War One could have been prevented if each country’s leaders had sat down together and come to a mutual agreement instead of letting pride and power get in the way. World War One was triggered by the Assassination of Franz Ferdinand, heir to the Austrian-Hungarian throne. Austria-Hungary issued Serbia an ultimatum; they demanded that the assassin be brought to justice. Serbia refused and asked for an international conference to resolve the matters. Austria-Hungary would have been cross that Serbia did not bring the assassin to justice but they could have accepted the request for a conference and have sorted it out that way. Serbia however should have initially bought the member of the Serbian nationalist group the Black Hand, which killed Franz Ferdinand and his wife to justice. Austria-Hungary already had previous issues with Serbia. It believed that Serbia threatened its position of power in the Balkan region. ‘Austria-Hungary had long sought an excuse to attack Serbia’. So instead of accepting the request for an international conference Austria-Hungary declared war on Serbia on 28 July 1914. Other countries, being allies then also got involved and the conflict between Serbia and Austria-Hungary then resulted in forty countries involved and the loss of 8,501,000 people, just because two countries could not sort out there issues.

Ever since Britain sent convicts to Australia, Australia had always thought of Britain as the mother country; Britain has always had a power over Australia and to an extent, always will but when Britain entered the war Australia should not have. Australia entered the war because it is part of the Commonwealth, like Canada and New Zealand. They did not really have a choice as they were under the power of the British Empire. However, Australians enlisted as they had loyalty to Britain and still thought of it as the mother country and home. ‘I joined because it was every Australian’s duty to defend old Mother England where we had originally come from.’ Many people joined up for the experience, they wanted to be apart of the war and help fight the Germans, because their friends did, it was their duty, they needed the money and they wanted to see the world. ‘I joined because it would be a chance to get away from the farm and see the world.’ Britain should never have been involved in the war as it never should have happened in the first place. They certainly should not have involved Australia, New Zealand and Canada though.

World War One was a waste of human life and all it did was create more problems. World War One did not achieve anything. All it did was set the groundwork for World War Two, cause The Great Depression and killed and wounded people. Hitler did not like how the world was treating Germany so he took it into his hands to make sure that Germany came back to power. The Great Depression was caused by the result of World War One, it saw around thirty-two percent of Australians jobless, inflation wiped out savings, public services were minimised or ended, psychological depression and pessimism about the future was seen, anger towards leaders and malnutrition was common. In New York, people would queue for hours to get rations of bread and soup. Many countries gave out ration tickets where they could be exchanged for goods. In Germany, the price of one egg cost 0.09 Deutschmarks in 1914 and rose to 320 billion buy November 1923. ‘There is not a garbage-dump in Chicago which is not diligently haunted by the hungry.’ As a result of World War One, World War Two was caused and consequently approximately another 60 million people died.

Answer 1

You did a good essay, but it seems like you don't have any focus in a certain topic. It also look like you don't have a conclusion. If the topic is about Australia, then only focus in Australia. You don't have to write how WW1 and WW2 started.



Agree with you. But then, because of Australia's involvement in war, including New Zealand and Canada, we now have elite militaries. Well.. at least the war gained something. Other than that, I agree, it's a waste of human life and only created 3 f*cked dictators.



Ohhh.. and because of the 2 wars, countries that has been a colony became independent. The war transformed a lot of things on what they are today.

Answer 2

The biggest problem that I see is that you tend to replace analysis with extraneous detail. It doesn't matter what group killed FF, all that matters is that a terrorist group did so. The whole bit with the great depression and WWII is similar. It doesn't apply to the prompt. It feels like filler.



In the second paragraph, I would recommend starting off with some writing about how Australia shouldn't have been in the war and was dragged in by Britain. The explanation of the relationship between the two countries can wait until after you've made your argument regarding how the relationship relates to the prompt.



In the final paragraph, it is easy to prove that WWI was a waste of human life without mentioning the Great Depression. You can certainly mention how the reparations demanded in the Versailles treaty led to hyperinflation in Germany and contributed to WWII, but WWI did not cause the Great Depression.

Answer 3

You have to organize and present your information and arguments better.



Cut out the part about WW1 causing the Great Depression - it's just not true.The causes of the Great Depression were completely different, they were to do with economics and trade.



Body paragraphs - you don't need so much info about the assassination, it's not relevant, so doesn't need to be a major part of the answer. The cause - Franz Ferdinand's assassination - can be mentioned in the intro, and that's ALL you need to say about it. Your point about the war beginning because no one was prepared to sort things out through negotiation is valid, but you need to mention that war was seen as a noble, invigorating occupation, and that all the national leaders and generals were old men, modern transport and communications meaning they were overtaken by the speed of events. Talk about the willingness to go to war of all the powers as well.



You need a paragraph explaining why the war was a waste of life - mention casualty rates, the stagnation of trench warfare, and the fact that the front lines hardly moved for over 3 years on the Western Front, mass frontal attacks leading to heavy casualties and little real gain in ground.



As for participation of the Dominions, they were in no way 'forced' by Britain to participate; apart from cultural ties, there were strong economic reasons to help Britain.

Concentrate on what the Dominions got out of the war, compared to their losses to support your ideas.

Answer 4

Birth Name: Rillian; now R(changed name) 1. Awful experiences. I was often teased as child for not having a real name. As a teenager friends insisted on calling me Killian after the cheap beer Killians. In college I found that I wasn't getting scholarships or other opportunities while people with lower grades and less experience in the same subject were. I changed my name legally and almost immediately people who only knew me on paper started taking me seriously. An example: I originally applied to graduate schools as Rillian. I had an undergrad 4.0 but I didn't get a single offer. The next year--having done no extra coursework and with the same personal statement--I reapplied with the changed name and was accepted with funding to all eight universities to which I had applied. I think this is a fairly clear example of a name holding a person back. 2. My name comes from the name of a prince in the Narnia series (my mother has an obsession). To make the name "feminine" she added an extra L. I don't think it worked. 3. Personally I don't like Rillian, but I'm used to it. I still answer to it and my family still calls me it. What I really don't like is how it worked on a professional level. 4. I'd rather not say what I changed my name to on the internet, sorry. 5. Rillian and R(changed name). Rillian with family, sometimes with my husband (we were dating when I changed it). We've moved since I changed my name, so everyone in my new city only knows me by my new name. 6. I didn't change my last name when I got married, mostly because I had just changed my first name a year before and didn't feel like doing the paperwork again. I may get around to it one day, I may not. 7. They're OK. My maiden name and my husband's last name sound awful with each other, so it's not an option I am personally considering.

Answer 5

I believe it is ok it may need I little work but I'm not sure if you are in high school or in coollege and at the end you say " In Germany, the price of one egg cost 0.09 Deutschmarks in 1914 and rose to 320 billion by November 1923" 320 billion what maybe you ment 3.2 billion and don't forget to say what kind of currency by that info it seems like you used wiki other than that there are some fragments in there but good work